Remember that Time I Slept for Two Weeks...

This last round was the worst.  By far.  Even with the steroids, the nausea and fatigue came on strong and hung on long.  I've never been so thankful for crackers and ginger ale.  I didn't even get a good week this time around.  But I am so thankful that the worst is over.  Today I start two new drugs.  So I will be going in every Monday for 12 weeks.  That should be fun!

I go back to work on Tuesday. I'll start out with short days.  Yeah.......

 May 24th was me and Rick's ten year anniversary.  Woot woot!  We obviously didn't get to celebrate in Hawaii as we'd planned all these years, but spending the day together, living our lives such as they are at this point was still wonderful.  We dropped Ella off at school, went to breakfast, I slept while he puttered and tinkered, I slept in his truck while he drove up north to get a part and then stopped for dinner on the way home.  Marriage isn't always beaches, sweet smelling plumeria and luaus.  For us, these last couple years have been really trying.  Infertility. Unemployment. Cancer.  However, our cord of three stands is still holding strong.  And somehow, these last few years have been a blast! In the midst of hardships, we've found joy.  We find complete joy in raising the child we do have and absolutely love our little family.  Rick losing his job turned out to be a huge blessing.  Leaving a job he didn't like for one with better hours, better environment, better management, more flexibility and free ice cream, it makes sense!  In the midst of it it didn't seem so great!  That's when I learned that you have to thank God for what seems bad along with what seems great, because in the end you really can't tell the two apart!  When it's all said and done, the blessings and joys that came our way because of cancer will far outweigh the chemo side effects.  Oh, and just so you know, Rick will have been at his new job for a year in the middle of June, and he has not gained a pound.  He hasn't gained weight since I met him, but I thought for sure this would do it!  Still praising God Ella seems to have gotten his metabolism! So, Rick. We've seen richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, good times and bad-thanks for taking our vows seriously!  Thank you for loving me and serving me for the last ten years.  Thank you for your extreme patience and for making me laugh daily. Thank you for being with me through every step of breast cancer, there could not be a better companion for this journey!  Thank you for being an amazing Dad to Ella.  You really blew me away with that one the second she entered our lives and continue to every moment you spend with her. I have never questioned your love for me or your love for the One who brought us together.  I love you beyond what words can describe.  You are the best Hawaiian souvenir ever! Can't wait to go back to Hawaii when all this cancer stuff is behind us!  For the rest of you-a wedding picture!  Because everyone likes looking at ten year old wedding pictures!

                        

         

I think I've told half the world already, but have to share it here too.  I was gone over the weekend for some R&R and came back to some gifts from Ella. The last one she had even wrapped.  Before giving it to me she says, "Mom, you are going to get a kick out of this."  I unwrap the little package and hold in my hand this gift my 6 year old bundle of energy could not wait to give me.  She explains it a little further (although no explanation is needed). "I made it for you.  She looks just like you."

                                      

When she says made it, she means she ripped the hair off!  Happy Monday!

   

Last Round of the Red Stuff!

 Today was the last day of AC chemo!  I had to capture the last push of that nasty, life-saving poison!

                                        

I found out that, unknowingly, I have been over-dosing on my anti-nausea meds (not my fault, believe it or not).  There's a good chance that was contributing to my extreme mental fog.  I can't blame it all on that though.  I haven't taken Zofran for several days and today after my series of naps, thought I could make a trip to Target to pick up the over the counter steroids that I caved and asked for and then to Cub for some basics and a Red Box rental. While at Cub I remembered that I had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy.  Back to Target.  While at Target, I remembered that I forgot to go to go to Red Box.  Back to Cub.  Ended up with four movies.  Don't ask.  After all that driving I had to get gas. Wow. Gas prices. That is all.

                           

Then I jumped back in the car to get back to my mom and Ella.  So I drove to my mom's house.  Then I remembered they were at my house.  Rick is out of town for work tonight, so my mom locked me in before she left.  She is a very smart lady.

Chemo was nice and smooth today.  The infusion center got new chairs.  They are heated, massaging recliners. Very, very nice. Kara came with me today and kept me talking way too much!!  She is always so entertaining!  

                            

The chemo nurse must have overheard Kara and I's conversations ( it was pretty quiet today, the whole room probably heard us) because when she came in to push the Adriamycin and then later to hang the Cytoxin, she prayed that it would find the remaining cancer cells and attack them and miss the healthy cells.  I loved that!  She was new, I really liked her.   I always get excited when I hear people are praying for me.  At church on Sunday, at that usually awkward greeting time, I "met" somebody that I've known of for years, but our paths have honestly never crossed.  I knew her name so I was able to use it.  She asked my name. Then she asked what my last name was.  I saw something click, and then she responded with excitement, "I've been praying for you!!"  I tried so hard not to cry, but can't get over that people who have never met me are praying for me!!  

And then there is the Hill Family and company in Tennessee that is letting God use them in a God-sized answer to prayers.  Part of my heart has always been in Tennessee. Uncle Stan and Aunt Bunny live there. Everybody should have an Uncle Stan and Aunt Bunny in their live!  So does my cousin, Kevin, who has the coolest life.  He's a fireman turned air-traffic controller and the sweetest man-boy there is.  He will always be the boy that let me give him a makeover! He didn't stand a chance with a sister and three female cousins at holidays!  Get this, he just got back from a week long soccer tournament for air traffic controllers in Ireland!  So does Laura.  You know that friend (that is also family) that you don't get to see. Ever. But you pray for and think about all the time?  And when you do talk and finally get together, not a moment has passed? That's Laura.  I really hate that we live so far apart.  We were in each others weddings (Happy Anniversary Michael and Laura! Grateful that I was able to be a part of it!  Great memories! I pray that God continues to strengthen your marriage as you look to Him for all things and blesses you and your family as you have so richly blessed us!) and just don't get to see each other enough now that we're all grow up!  So sweet, sweet Laura married into the Hill family.  They have a family business.  They have used that business to bless our family.  I told Michael that a cancer diagnosis, double mastectomy, going bald and living in constant nausea and fatigue for days on end (combined) haven't reduced me to the puddle of tears that this generosity has!  So now, more so than ever, part of my heart stays in Tennessee with my family and now my cousins family! Want to know the kicker?  I've only met the Hill family once.  At a wedding. Yes. God is that good.  

                      

Time for bed.  Remind me to tell you about God's next assignment for me!  It's a good one!  

     

          

Encouragement Just When Needed

This last round of chemo kicked. My. Butt.  The nausea started sooner than it had during the first two treatments and lasted a whole lot longer.  I appreciated that Zofran could be taken every four hours and I took full advantage of that.  The fatigue also lasted longer.  This was extremely frustrating and I had to constantly remind myself that its okay to not be uber productive, my priority is getting better, I need to take care of myself...blah,blah, blah.  Doesn't make it any easier.  But it's true.  

Sunday was the Race for the Cure.  It was a little bit of an emotional day.  But it was mostly just a fun day!  Team Melissa was a huge encouragement!  How did I get such great friends?!  

              

                       

    

 God knew I needed a little pick me up.  Enter Wednesday mornings!  This group of women encourages me so much, loves on me so much and gets me smiling so I can't stop!  Today was no different!  We had brunch.  The food was amazing.  Seriously so good.  A carbivore's paradise!  Then they had to go and give me a quilt. A homemade quilt.  Each fabric perfect for this season of my life.  The best part?! They signed it.  I didn't read it  until I got home later, which was good since I didn't put on my waterproof mascara this morning.  The words of love and encouragement were so refreshing.  As I think about finishing my last round of AC chemo on Monday, it's one more phase done, but there is so much to come and knowing these women will be there to support me, love me and encourage me through the times when I just don't want to do it anymore is a great antidote to chemo!

A couple of you have asked how to order thirty-one bags....go to www.mythirtyone.com/jborganize101

Then click on My Parties on the top of the page.  Then click on the May Fundraising Event.  There you go!  I love the large utility totes for just about everything.  The deal for the month is spend $31 and get 1/2 off thermal bags.  I'll be using mine for the fresh market thermal....great for Trader Joes!  

Thanks to those of you that have dropped off stuff for the garage sale.  If anyone else has things left over from their Woodbury garage sales and want to get it off our hands, bring in on down!

Ella has her Spring Fling gymnastics meet this weekend.  She has been working so hard and we are so proud of her!  Enjoy your weekend!

3 down, 1 to go

I'm about to slip into my chemo coma for the next several days!  Chemo on Monday was the quickest in and out yet.  My labs are still staying in the range for "normal" women, and the doctors are encouraged by that.  This was my third out of four treatments for this first phase with the the AC drugs (Adriamycin and Cytoxin).  After the fourth AC treatment on May 20th, I will start two new drugs, TH (Taxol and Herceptin) on a weekly basis for 12 weeks.  The TH drugs aren't as harsh as the AC so I won't have to "recover from chemo".  Looking forward to that!  Especially considering that my short term disability will be up in June and I'll have to start working again. Not really looking forward to that.  Hoping that my new chemo brain is a result of the AC and my mind will start to clear!

I did find out that my cancer was categorized as Stage 3 breast cancer.  I might have heard that before, but am not retaining information as well as I'd like! I was always hoping for Stage 2, but I'm sure the size of the tumor pushed it over the edge!

I also found out that I haven't been taking the standard 3 day post chemo oral steroids for nausea. I get the steroid through an IV at chemo, but that's it for steroids for me.  I dragged my friend Jill along with me to this treatment and she was as entertained as I was every time I was asked if I needed a refill for the steroids I have not been taking!  So I guess it's a really good thing that I'm able to keep the nausea under control with just the Zofran.  I chalk it up to all your prayers!  Keep 'em coming.  Especially for the remainder of the week as I drift in and out of consciousness!

Sunday is the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure and I'm hoping to be alert enough to cheer on those running on Team Melissa and possibly even do the walk with Ella.  I keep being told what an amazing and emotional time it will be, and I'm looking forward to it!  

Thanking God for all my friends and family and prayer warriors committed to helping me get through this.  I couldn't do it without you!

                                         

Almost Normal

The last week and a half has been so much fun. I was able to resume almost all of my normal activities and while for just a brief amount of time, I felt like a normal person. I was able to drive Ella to school and pick her up and even go on a field trip with her class. I was able to meet friends for lunch and go to Target all by myself. I was able to go to church and see my Wednesday morning women and go to small group. All of these things were followed by naps, but they still happened. Small victories! During all of these things, I got to wear my new hair! Those closest to me knew it was a wig, but some were quite surprised to find out it was a wig! I finally got it to be just how I wanted it. It's my dream color and I love the cut, it's actually comfortable now that my five o'clock stubble is falling out. Getting ready for the day is so quick and easy, I may just consider shaving my head when my hair starts to grow back and keep wearing the wig. It takes Rick longer to get ready in the morning now!

I'm going to enjoy my last day of normal before my next chemo treatment Monday. Tomorrow. In my post-chemo fatigue when I can't focus to read and don't have energy to get out of bed, I started watching a TV show that I quit following a while ago. Yay for Netflix! One of the characters on the show had breast cancer. So in a matter of a few episodes, she was diagnosed, had surgery, had chemo and was declared cancer free and celebrated with a trip to Hawaii. Never have I been so frustrated with TV. Well, except for the time that I was watching TV in junior high and didn't like the writers take on a scene, so I threw a spoon at the screen. But in this situation they made the whole process seem so quick, and it really isn't. I feel like I should be half way through everything now. I'm only halfway through the first phase. There's another 12 weeks, another six weeks and then forty weeks! And then a six month wait. As much as I want this time to fly by, I know that when this is over, Ella will be 7 and in first grade and I'll want time to slow down. Their fictitious TV trip to Hawaii was also rubbing salt in my wound! In a few short weeks, Rick and I will be celebrating ten years of wedded bliss. We pretty much met and started our relationship in Hawaii and went back three years later for our honeymoon. The plan had always been to go back for our tenth anniversary. That won't be happening this year. We're postponing the trip a year and will combine celebrations; end of chemo and eleven years of happily ever after. So the moral of this story: don't believe everything you see on TV!

During this short break, I've also discovered that chemo brain is a real thing. My mind is not quite as sharp as it once was. Funny how many of the same side effects of chemo are so similar to those of pregnancy, but I don't get a baby as a prize at the end! Not much to report, just wanted to pop in and say hi! You all have been so encouraging to my family and me. I need it. I really don't want to go to chemo tomorrow. There will be feet dragging and maybe a little pouting!

Two things before I go:

1. Jodi wanted me to let you know that she has extended her thirty-one bags fundraiser into May so we can get some of the new prints and take advantage of the May special. If you're needing to add to your bag/purse habit, here's what you need to know:

"Thirty-One Gifts Fundraiser for Melissa!! It's the NEW Summer catalog, complete with New prints and items. All perfect for your summer outings, that will carry you through the fall!
Please log onto my site and order right on Melissa's Fundraiser.
I had so much fun in April I decided to do it again, and reach the goal I wanted for her!!
In case you are not familiar, with the fundraiser. There is a lovely young lady at my church that is going through Chemo for breast cancer. I wanted to help her and her family out by doing a fundraiser. BUY LOTS!! It's all going to Melissa!" The special this month is 50% off any thermal with every $31 you spend.

www.mythirtyone.com/jborganize101

I have received several bags as gifts and LOVE them! My favorites are the three that live in my car, the one that comes to chemo with me and the one that organizes my Wednesday mornings.

2. Rick's family and my neighbor are planning a garage sale to help us out. So if you're in the area and have stuff that you want to donate to the cause, you can call Linda @ 651.459.0700 or Sophia @ 612.961.0445 or you can shoot me an e-mail (melissa.borner@gmaildotcom) and I can let you know where to drop off. The garage sale will be June 7th 8-5 and June 8th 8-3 at Rick's parents house. 8601 Lamar Avenue S in Cottage Grove.

Bald is Okay

After asking for anyone interested in shaving my head, I was surprised at the number of people that volunteered! The day after my last chemo treatment, I went back to the Cancer Care Clinic for my Neulasta injection to stimulate white blood cell growth and I also had acupuncture for the first time. This is a service offered by the clinic to help manage side effects. I was surprised at how it helped the nausea. Still nothing for the fatigue. I lost days again somewhere after chemo. I really don't like being that tired. I think the "chemo brain" I was warned about is also setting in. It's harder for me to find words during conversations and my ability to focus isn't the same.

Anyway. After that short outing to clinic, the amount of hair that had accumulated on my shirt and jacket was just gross. Anytime I ran my fingers through my hair, I would end up with a handful of hair. Gross. I had enough at that point. I asked Kristen (first one to offer, and she's done this before!) if she would come over later that day to shave it off. I needed a little moral support so Kara and Jill came over too and Rick's arrival home from work made for a nice little cheering section. I put Kara in charge of taking pictures and Jill brought lipstick! Only Jill would have thought of that detail! So with lipstick applied, Kristen started with scissors. Step One resulted in a very chic Les Miserables Anne Hathaway cut. Step Two was a #2 clipper, but I just wanted it all gone, so the guard came off and I was left with stubble. And I was bald. I'm glad my friends were there. Even if they were lying, the encouragement helped me not only make it through the event, but make it through smiling! I'm amazed at how God gave me exactly what I needed at the moment I needed it, no sooner and not too late. The strength and comfort I felt left no room for fear or self-pity. I haven't cried over my bald head yet! It's just hair and it will grow back. Until then, it doesn't take nearly as much time to get ready in the morning. I could get used to this! My new hair (wig) is still a work in process. I love the color, but it's a little puffy still! Oh, and Laura, your prayers were answered! My bald head is symmetrical and not at all bumpy, I actually don't mind it!

Ella once again completely surprised me with how well she took it. I wear a little pink hat around the house (sorry to those of you that have been shocked by this while dropping off food!) and for the first night, Ella told me not to take it off. She did pull out the book I had bought for her about losing hair during chemo, "Nowhere Hair", and she read it to me. I think that helped her a lot. The next evening she asked me to take my hat off off so she could see what I looked like. I was bracing myself for a not so kind remark to cover her emotions. All she said was: "Don't worry, Mom. It will grow back." Since then, she has reminded me that I'm still her beautiful mommy. And when she hugs me, she rubs my hair! It's pretty cute! I'm definitely not in the same shape I was when Rick married me almost ten years ago. Thank you God for a marriage that isn't shaken by a bald head and missing breasts.

I feel as though I've been given a tiny gift. I'm going back to getting my chemo treatments on Mondays, but next Monday wouldn't be enough time in between treatments, so I get an extra "good week" where I won't be dead tired and nauseous. I'll get to do some normal things! I'm pretty excited about that! First thing on my to do list is to make a decision what to do about my short term disability and FMLA leave that is nearing its end. Do I use it all up or go back and use it intermittently? I have to work five days every two weeks to keep my benefits. So I need to get that figured out. On good weeks it won't be a problem, but when I start the new drugs and have chemo treatments once a week, I don't know if I'll have the energy or clear mind to work. I did find out today that some co-workers have donated some PTO hours to me and that will help just to get my hours up to where they need to be to keep my insurance coverage after the disability is over. Thanks to whoever did that! I didn't know that was a possibility, so it was a nice surprise and huge blessing! Thank you for sharing those highly coveted hours with me!

The meals are still coming and we are so appreciative! I went to the grocery store for just a few items and left exhausted. It gave me a renewed thankfulness for the meals that show up daily that keeps me from having to plan, shop and prepare. I can focus on resting up, getting better and beating cancer. So, thank you for the meals and the gift cards. Thank you for loving us!

Mission: Gentle and Quiet Spirit

I liked the first round of chemo better. I came back from Arizona pretty tired (even with all the resting and reading by the pool. I read 5 books there and on the plane.) so I expected to balance out with the steroid they gave me. When chemo was over, I had to ask if I had gotten it since I was not feeling like I could conquer the world like I did with the first treatment. Everything went really smooth. My port cooperated this time and we in and out in under five hours.

Our flight arrived in Minnesota last night at 11:00. Rick would be too tired to work, Ella would be too tired for school, so we made it a family affair. I had wanted Ella to experience chemo at some point so she knew what was involved. I wanted her to know that I didn't get hurt at chemo and that the doctors, nurses and volunteers take good care of me. She was able to see all that for the first couple of hours and then Papa and Nan came to get her. (If they knew the pretend play that they were about to endure, they might not have said yes. No. They would have said yes. No isn't a world Ella hears very often from them.)

I'm already feeling more nausea than I did last time. And I'm tired. I slept all afternoon and tried my best to keep myself up so I will sleep well tonight. I wanted to get this finished, I know so many of you are praying and want to know what's going on. And some of you have mentioned that I'm not posting quick enough, so I'm working on that!

The real struggle is this hair thing. I am a simple gal. I don't need nice clothes clothes, I don't care about what styles are, I love accessories, but they intimidate me and I don't wear much makeup. That's just me. I can tell by comments I get when I do wear makeup and make an effort to dress up slightly that I look better, but that's not enough motivation for me to do it! I've never thought of myself as pretty, and I've never wished I looked any different (except for junior high and that is a whole 'nother issue!). My daddy told me I was pretty, my Heavenly Father told me I was created in His image. My husband just has to look at me and I know he thinks I'm beautiful. My daughter tells me I'm "the most beautiful mommy in the whole university." And while I know she has the tendency to exaggerate and dramatize things somewhat, okay, A LOT. It warms my mommy heart. So why I am so scared to lose my hair is a little bit of mystery to me, but doesn't make it any easier.  Then God gave me this reminder:

  

That sure put things in perspective. We'll be working on the latter of those verses: gentle and quiet spirit.  I consider this a low point, a time when I am at my weakest. Strangely, that makes me excited. I know that with each handful of hair that falls out, that's less of me.  More of him.  That's when I take a cue from TobyMac and let God steal my show. That's when I am strong. So, go ahead. Take it away!

Now I just need to decide if I'm going to shave it off or let it fall out on its own.  Rick doesn't think he can shave it off.  I get that.  Any volunteers out there?!