The Rest I Didn't Know I Needed

I feel as though I have done nothing but rest since my surgery over a month ago. I was even starting to go stir crazy at home with all the resting I have been doing. But after spending the last few days in Arizona, I realize just how much I needed to rest. I've enjoyed feeling almost normal again and I try to make the most of each moment to make them last as long as they can and not think about what was waiting for me at home.

Our first day in Arizona we headed up to the Grand Canyon. Mountains, lakes, rivers, flowers......that is my kind of beauty. But the sheer ginormity of that place was breathtaking. We hiked down a trail, realized the farther down we hiked, the farther we'd have to hike back up, so we didn't get too far. We met a scraggly looking elk and then found a good spot to watch the sunset. It was beautiful, but there were lots of other people with the same idea, so it was a little crowded. We stayed in a cabin in the Grand Canyon so we would be able to wake up in time to go see the sunrise.  Usually I research and plan vacations so well that we have all the information need to make spontaneous decisions. A combination of preoccupation with the chemo treatment and not knowing if I'd actually be able to go, left us with spontaneous decisions without the usual planning.  So that's why we were up at 5:00 am waiting for the shuttle to take us to Hopi Point dressed in random layers of clothing, wrapped in a blanket borrowed from the bed in the cabin.  If I had done my research, I would have known that early mornings in the Grand Canyons are cold. 26 degrees of cold. There were only a few of us there this time.  I was so glad that we had braved the cold, seeing the colors shifting on the horizon and then give way to a brilliant, blinding light made it worth it.  As the light spilled onto the canyon, my mind was busy coming up with analogies of light crowding out shadows and our calling to be salt and light.  It was quite an experience, it just didn't last long enough.  Later that day as were getting ready to leave the Canyon and stopped for one last look, the typical first look for most people that plan and research, I couldn't stop thinking "Wow.  God you are BIG."  A reply came.  "You haven't seen anything yet.  Just wait."

 

 

 

We headed back down to Phoenix to meet up with the rest of Rick's family and to get the wedding festivities underway.  During a trip to the Phoenix Zoo, Ella got to feed a giraffe.  She loved his purple tongue.  I am still so thankful that I was able to make the trip.  I would have missed out on so much had I not been able to go.  I was able to meet Meghan's family. Todd married into a great family. Prior to a conversation with Meghan's Uncle Brian, I had not known that his wife was a breast cancer survivor.  I enjoyed talking with him and getting the story from a husbands point of view.  After the wedding I was able to talk with Nancy and was encouraged to see her cancer free and living a normal life 9 years later. 

 



 

The wedding was so much fun. Ella did a great job as the flower girl and loved spending time with all the bridesmaids.  Rick enjoyed being the best man for his brother and best friend.  I enjoyed the cupcakes! Ella danced the night away and loved every minute.  And I got to be there for it all. 

 

 

 

 





 

After the answered prayer of being able to make the trip, I prayed that my hair would hang on until at least the wedding.  It did. Then I prayed that it would hang on until I got back to Minnesota.  It did.  On the plane ride home I would comb my hair with my fingers and would have an abnormal amount of hair fall in my hands.  I made it back to Minnesota with a head full of hair.  But as I sit here and type, my scalp is aching mildly and tingly.  Those poor follicles are trying so hard to hang on, but it's a losing battle.  I have been planning on just shaving it off at this point, but I'm finding that I'm really struggling with each strand of hair that falls out.  Breasts are a private thing and with each fill from the plastic surgeon, I become closer to be like a normal person.  I never really was phased by that loss.  Losing my hair is so public.  It screams cancer. It just begs for pity. It's just hair. It will grow back eventually. It's still hard. Rick is being so supportive and attentive, trying to help me sift through the waves of emotions that keep coming.  Ella was aware that I might have lost my hair while we were in Arizona and was so encouraging as she made sure that I still had my wig, just in case, as we moved from location to location.  While driving in the car today after dropping Todd and Meghan off at the airport, she didn't look up at me, but stated very matter of factly, "Mom. I don't want you to lose your hair, but you will be just as beautiful with your wig." 

 

The trip was great. I was able to rest.  It came at a perfect time, but I'm glad to be home. Tomorrow I go for my second chemo treatment. Here's hoping everything goes as well as the first round! 



 





Week Two of Chemo Treatment

One week out from my first chemo treatment and if the rest of chemo goes like this, I'd be okay with that! The first three or four days following chemo I got nauseated very easily, but one Zofran at the first churn of my insides and that took care of it. Rick made popcorn in the microwave and it smelled like "a mess that turned weeks ago." (Can anyone name the show that quote is from? Someone on that same show said, "In my opinion, you're not a proper woman if you don't have a goat or two." I guess I'm a proper woman!) That was my first clue that my sense of smell was affected by the chemo. But that was about it for side effects, except for the fatigue. Sleepiness. Tiredness. Lethargy. Whatever you want to call it, I have it. All. Day. Long. I wake up and either prepare Ella's breakfast, or she wakes me up and prepares me breakfast. Then after sometime of catching up on e-mails or other sedentary household task or finishing the show that I fell asleep watching the night before, I take a shower. Then comes my after shower nap. Who knew showering could be such a chore! The length of the naps throughout the day get significantly shorter the farther out I get, but I'm almost always tired. All the time. And then there's the whole compromised immune system thing.
Post surgical pain is almost all gone. My left under arm still hurts and I'm still not used the living with plastic pods in my chest. I can feel the plastic through my skin. That is not normal. I've been to Dr. Kadkhodayan twice for what we call fills. She uses a large syringe with saline and an equally large needle to fill the plastic pods and voila...instant puberty. I went from a six year old to a fourteen year old in a week! This stretches the skin and gets it ready for the implants that will be coming some time in 2014.

This is my off week. No treatment, just getting my body built back up so we can crash it again. I went in for blood work today to see if my counts were high enough to head to Arizona (just in time for the winter storm heading towards Minnesota). And they were high enough! Yay. Ella and I did a happy dance when we got this news.  I was just as excited that Brittany from the cancer care clinic was able to draw the blood from my arm with only one poke!  My hemoglobin was even in the normal range for normal women not on chemo. Thanks for praying everyone! And thanks for the meals, you're keeping me well nourished so my body is fueled to fight!

Did you see the huge picture of my family in the paper this weekend? This past Sunday, Molly Guthrey from the Pioneer Press, featured my journey to this point  in her Turning Point column. Our mutual friend Andi is the matchmaker here! Thanks, Andi! I spoke with Molly on the phone while sitting in my chemo chair during the two hour blood clot delay. The result is what can be read in the paper, or on the Internet. We showed Ella the article and her response was a little unexpected. "I'm in the paper? Ugh. How embarrassing." Then she came home from school the next day and was mortified that her friend, Nick, had seen her in the paper! The first time my picture was in the Pioneer Press also had something to do with me writing. (Should I be catching on to something here?). The title read, "Essay writer wins trip to fish camp with dad." I was in third grade at the time and the picture next to the article was me with my fishing pole complete with a fish on the end. I had written an essay telling why I wanted to go to fish camp with my dad. And I won. I don't know if the essay was really that good, or if there was a shortage of kids that wanted to go fish camp with their dad. But we went and had a blast.

So, with my energy slowing returning, my family and I are off to Arizona for Rick's brother's wedding and a tiny bit of family vacation. I think Rick needs it more than I do. He's worked 10-12 hour days every day since my chemo treatment on a remodel project. It will be a good trip. Our original plans were to head to the beaches in California and DisneyLand, but that had to go when we shortened the trip to get back in time for my next round of chemo. It would be nice if the next one is just like this, but I also know that each treatment will be a little tougher than the last. Thanks to all of you out there praying that I would be cleared for travel! Prayer works. I'm convinced.

Well, I'm off to relax and explore with my little family and will returned refreshed (probably bald) and ready for whatever comes next!  Thanks for all your support!  You're each helping to make this whole cancer thing a little less horrifying.  Oh, and if you didn't guess the show I was referring to in the beginning, it's Duck Dynasty. It's been my favorite show for almost a year now.  I can't tell you how many episodes I watched and rewatched since surgery and still can't help but laugh! Any other Duck Dynasty fans out there?!

So THAT'S what chemo is like!

This morning I woke up to Rick's alarm, or maybe it was the alarm he set for me since he was still in bed when I was finished showering.  I'm trying to think of the best word to describe my state of mind, and I think I'll go with, curious.  Before I got a personal invite to this circus that is cancer, chemo was one medication that was given to anyone with cancer.  Not a cocktail of two or more out of many possible chemo drugs mixed to your specific body, your specific lab results, your specific cancer and then some.  When I heard to expect to be there 4-6 hours, I pictured myself reclining in a chair and napping while IV fluids containing "chemo" was pumped into my body through my port for 4-6 hours.  But now I know what chemo treatment really is. 

We arrived in Suite 130 at 8:00am with a small bag packed since I wasn't sure what I was in for. I had my vitals taken (all time low blood pressure for me!) and my port accessed for the blood they needed for labs.  While the blood was sent off to be spun around in that machine and looked at on a slide through a microscope, or whatever they do with blood, I updated my nurse on all my symptoms and side effects: Zero.  She gave me some reminders about chemo and then I met with Dr. Shanks.  He looked at the lab results. Someone, somewhere in there must have called the pharmacy to have them start mixing my chemo meds. I ran our new plan for going to Arizona by Dr. Shanks.  He put in orders to make an appointment for labs only the day before we are to leave.  Just one look at him and I knew that if those numbers were not where he wants them, I will not be leaving on jet plane.  He asked if I had any questions.  I did not.  He called down to the Infusion Center to see if they had a chair for me.  They did.  He looked at me.  I said, "It's go time."  He smiled and said, "It's go time."  Then he walked me down to infusion.  That's when I learned what chemo really is like.  I got the chair I had picked out during my tour of the infusion center.  I sat down.  I met Joan, who would be my nurse and giving me the chemo.  She was very cool. I like her.  I'd go back to see her.  I don't think she liked me, though. I'll tell you why in a minute.

She explained everything as she did it and I really liked that.  First came the pillow and the warm blanket.  Well, actually, first I found out where the bathroom was since I had been drinking so much water.  Even now, I'm not sure if my stomach is a little upset from the chemo or from drinking too much water.  Then I was given a steroid to prepare my body for the chemo.  A little boom before the bang.  Then an anti nausea drug.  Then another anti nausea drug that lasts a longer time.  Those are called pre-meds. Somewhere in between the pre-meds and my first chemo drug, my port stopped working.  After several saline flushes there was still no sign of blood (they want to be able to push a syringe of saline into the line to make sure it goes in, but then they pull back on the syringe hoping to see a flash a pink.  Then they really know the medicine is really going in.) Around flsuh number 8, Rick asked if they charge for each syringe used.  Thankfully, they don't.  Two hours later, 25+ saline flushes, a Heparin flush to clear the line from blood clots, a couple runs up and down the stairs, a couple fake coughing spells, different arm positions, standing up and leaning forward, leaning way back in the chair with my feet over my head (that has a medical term, but I don't remember it), bearing down and pretending to have a baby, an order from Dr. Shanks for TPA and time to let TPA do it's thing, and two hours later, we finally saw blood.  The Adriamycin has to be given directly by the nurse.  She doubles up on gloves and wears a special gown, covers the syringe with a towel, and slowly injects it in the port and the coolness courses through the line and I get cold.  That takes all of ten minutes.  More saline flushes.  Then she hangs the Cytoxin and that gets pumped in over a half hour.  Then it's all over. It didn't feel like anything. I didn't feel anything.  Strange when you think about what the drug is doing. More Heparin is added to the port to keep it open until next time.  Next time will be quicker. 

The time flew by though.  I checked e-mails once.  Had six visitors.  Watched the birds, geese, squirrels and bunny outside the window. Got a lavendar oil hand massage. Counted the cars not obeying the 30 mph speed limit.  Looked for any cars I might recognize.  Was interviewed by a Pioneer Press columnist.  Texted friends. Ate lunch brought by Kara. Drank a lot of water. Made appointments. Rescheduled appointments. Took pictures, had Rick take pictures of me.  Then said good-bye until next time. 

So now you know what chemo is like!

Rick and I were able to talk with Ella tonight. When I asked her if she wanted to read some books about mommy's sickness, she said, "You mean breast cancer?"  She had picked up on more than she had let on.  But she had not yet made the connection between children with cancer and bald heads and mommy with cancer and a bald head. The first words out of her mouth, "We should get a wig." I'm so glad that conversation went well. She also thought it was pretty cool that her teacher's mommy had breast cancer too. She had questions and wasn't afraid to ask them. The books answered some of them.  We were able to answer the rest. Parts of the books needed a little help. The Mommy in the book admits that she's scared, and while it is okay to be scared,  this Mommy isn't scared because "What does the Team Melissa bracelet say, Ella?"  That precious smile, and "God's Got This."  I know and Ella knows who I've given all control to and I am completely at peace with that. If Ella gets scared, she knows who she can come and talk to and most importantly, she knows that God can do anything and she has the faith of a child that believes that. That faith started the day she was listening to a Go Fish song in the car with me on the way to the farm and said, "I don't want Joy in my heart.  I want Jesus in my heart." We prayed right then and there.  So simple, so easy, and all along God has been preparing that tender heart for this season. That will be three years ago at the end of April.  At least every night, but also at most dinner times and some random times in the car, but for sure every night before bed for the last three years she has prayed and asked God for a baby brother, a baby sister, or both.  We told her she should keep praying for that, Mommy and Daddy were, but that Jesus couldn't put a baby in Mommy's tummy while I was so sick.  But it will be a great surprise to see how Jesus makes our family grow. We just need to be patient.  Bottom line(s): Ella knows she is so incredibly loved by her momma (and daddy and grandparents and aunts and uncles and friends).  She did nothing to cause this cancer.  She cannot catch it.  Cancer happens when for reasons we don't know, bad cells start growing next to good cells and grow faster and need to come out.  Mommy will be tired.  Mommy will be sick.  Mommy will lose her hair.  Mommy will wear a wig.  The chemo medicine they are giving me isn't smart enough to tell the difference between good cells and bad cells, so both kinds of cells are destroyed and the good ones will grow back.  In all this, Mommy is still Mommy on the inside and that's all that matters. And God's Got This. Thank you to those praying for this specific conversation.

bottom left picture: look closely and you can see the red...that's the Adriamycin. That's the one responsible for hair loss and nausea and every other side effect known to chemo!  I've read that some people call it Big Red, others the Red Devil.  Joan, the chemo nurse, called it Adria and quoted that one guy from the Rocky movie (I've never seen the movie, but recognized the quote!)

 

 



Oh, and a little more detail about the 31 Bags Fundraiser for those interested, in case you don't read comments on blogs (I don't.) Here's Jodi's comment:

"Ok, the ThrityOne online party is open to take Orders on April 2nd-28th. All proceeds will be going to you, YEA! So yes, everyone stock up on all our wonderful bags!
Also, Thirty-One stands for Proverbs31, that is you Melissa! It's an honor for me to hold this Special party for you. www.mythirtyone.com/jborganize101  Just click on 'My Parties' and you'll see the party for Melissa B.
Thank you!"

I'm sure there is some big detail I left out of this synopsis, but the steroids are wearing off and my little upset stomach is getting worse. And Ella is laughing in her sleep, I better check on her.  Pray for no side effects, please! 

In Honor of Chemo Start Day

***Disclaimer: Read at your own risk. My sister, Ali, the English teacher, read this post, she recommends I have a proofreader read the post prior to posting it. Or just stay away from posting on chemo days altogether. Sorry. ***

In the last couple months, nurses and other providers I've talked with have said that when things like cancer come up, you quickly learn you will stick it out with you. "You find out who your true friends are", is what they say. That is true. I already had a really good idea who my friends were before all of this, and they have stepped up and have been an amazing emotional support system. Coming out of a time in my life where it was hard to trust friends, God brought some amazing women into my life and I'm blessed to know them and to live life with them.

Something else happens when cancer strikes, you make new friends! That has been just as encouraging to me. And honestly, on this side of the chemo side effects, strengthening my current friendships and nurturing these new ones is worth it all! (If you ask me again in six weeks I might tweak this answer!) Pam was a friend before all this started. She moved from acquaintance to friend when I told her, in the copy room at church, that Rick had just lost his job. She immediately responded with, "What are you doing on Thursday? You're coming over for dinner." And we did. She was one of the first to reach out and I will never forget that. Pam has willingly offered us her services as "fundraising coordinator". She did the research and got the Give Forward page up which has been such a HUGE blessing. My mom updates me on the total every week or so, then I go on the website and cry. Thank you to all of those that are helping us financially. It eases a huge burden as we start to see the bills rolling in and know that help is on the way! Thank you! Named or anonymous. Thank you! God knows who you are, and I have asked him to return the blessing to each and every one of you as He sees best. Pam also hosted the Pampered Chef dessert night. That was one of my first outings after surgery and it was fun. It was also quite successful. Pam received over 50 orders. Can you believe that? Pam is gifting us with what she would have made on that show and it will be substantial! Thank you, Pam!  And consider this as thank you to all of you who ordered. I am so behind on thank you cards and my list is long! And thank you to Tom (Pam's husband) and Landen (husband of Heather who sent the best chemo kit ever! Seriously Heather, thank you!) for taking Rick out for a play date. He needed that. Oh, which reminds me...Ali, sweet sister, thank you for the care package that came to Rick AND Melissa today. He loved his parachute men, even though Ella thought they were for her! I have the most amazing husband and through infertility, unemployment and now cancer treatment, he is my rock. Our marriage is stronger than it was five years ago and just keeps getting better! While dropping off our meal tonight, (which was delicious by the way. Thanks! You should have seen how excited I got over the green beans! And thanks for bringing lunch to us at chemo. We had planned on Rick leaving, but I didn't want him to, so this was a blessing. Thank you.) Kara reminded me of the woman who told me shortly after Rick and I returned from our honeymoon, that May 24th was a day of mourning for mothers all over Cottage Grove. That was the day that Rick Borner got married and their hopes of him marrying their daughters were shattered. And he married me! Anyway. Where was I? Did I tell you about the bunny at chemo today?

Seriously. All that rambling was the steroids. More on that to come. The point to this post is to let you know about a new friendship that is blossoming. Her name is Jodi and she sells Thirty-One bags. In honor of my first day of chemo she is doing a Thirty-One fundraiser to help with medical costs! Yay! Hey, the company is called Thirty-One and I am 31. Isn't ironic?  It's like ra-e-ain on your wedding day.  It's a free-e-e ride when you've already paid. Anyway, starting today, the proceeds she would get for the sale of the bags is going to help pay for the port they put in during surgery and use during chemo (among other things). Talk about sticker shock! Anyway, if there are any bag lovers out there like me, here's a great chance to buys a bag or two. I love the ones I have and am ordering my new chemo bag tonight! I think Jodi said she will keep this open for the month of April. If I'm wrong she will correct me by commenting below, right Jodi!? Thank you, Jodi! Anyway, here's the link. Do what you want with it! I am going to cut Rick's hair and then will try to get out the post about chemo. I might wait for the steroids to get out of my system. I am not responsible for all the rambling I just did there, but I mean Every. Single. Word that I wrote! I would not be able to sit here (now I'm crying. Thanks, guys!) at Day One of A-Lot-of-Days of chemo treatments and be thankful. Yes, thankful, for this seemingly awful thing God allowed to come into my life at a really bad time. But because of the amazing support, cards, pajamas, gift baskets, meals, play dates for my daughter and husband, blog posts about me, texts from Florida, texts and cards and e-mails and singing rabbits fromTennessee (oh, Tennessee, you will be your own blog post when I can sit down to write about you or to you without crying. I have to rewrite the thank you I wrote to you after it got a little smudged with tears), care packages, meals, scripture verses, books, alcohol prep pads (that will have to stay a secret between me, Joan the amazing chemo nurse, Laurie, Roshell and Holly!) flowers, plants, meals, little gifts for Ella, jewelry, bags, meals, lip balm, emesis bags (thank YOU, Dr. Bryant. You are my hero.), DVD's, CD's, kids art work, oh, and did I mention meals?! For everything, all of it. Thank you. While all the things mentioned are wonderful, my love language is gifts after all. No joke. It's the people and the hearts giving the gift that I am so moved by and so thankful for. After recovering from broken friendships years ago, I didn't want to bother with friends that are girls and everything that come with friends that are girls. I had enough of that in junior high and do not wish to repeat that. But then I came to miss the deeper friendships with women. And I had changed so much. So I prayed for God to bring me some friends that were girls that I could be friends with that, when combined with me (I'm not perfect!) don't bring junior high drama to coffee outings. I found them. Several actually. And several more in the making. And many that I don't see enough, and many that I may never meet, and one that I have talked to since college (hi, Jennifer!).  Friends are just one of the many ways that God is using this cancer to answer other prayers I've prayed.  God is using this season to show His love for me through others and all these experiences to show me how much I have to be thankful for, all of his gifts to me that I have to be intentional to stop and count. Tonight's entries in my gratitude journal will reflect just a few of those gifts. I'd tell you about how my gratitude journal came to be, but I'm trying to wrap this up. Maybe after my next chemo treatment with the steroid pre med. That steroid is the star of the show, the chemo is just the chaser! Anyone need their house organized in the next twelve hours? Athletes should try this stuff. Oh, wait..... Okay. I'm really going to go cut Rick's hair. Oh no, after I help the neighbor catch her runaway dog. 

Here's the link:  https://www.mythirtyone.com/JBorganize101/

I don't know how to make it blue. But you all know how to copy and paste, right? You all are making me feel so loved. Thank you! Love you back!

The Path to Bald

I like to plan things. Vacations and Ella's birthday parties to be specific, but everything else as well.  I'm done trying to anticipate what Monday will be like.  Chemo affects everyone differently, the doses are different and there are many different variables.  I am praying to be symptom free, but I am planning for the worst.  So I am working on a list of things that I would like to get done before chemo starts, just in case I run into worse case scenario. 
Up until now it has been up in the air as to whether or not I would be able to travel to Phoenix for Rick's brother's wedding in two weeks.  We purchased our airline tickets in December, but as my chemo schedule started to form, we quickly saw that the trip we currently had planned would not work with chemo.  My oncologist is willing to move the start of my second round of chemo back two days and the airline allowed us to completely rebook the trip so I will get to go to the wedding with the best man and flower girl.  Still, as we look at the dates that we will be in hot, hot, Phoenix (there is a reason that I love living in Minnesota, and it is not the summer!) next to the dates of the my chemo, we realized those dates match up perfectly.  I have been told that between days 14-21 of chemo is when I will start to notice hair loss.  I've also been told that because of the chemo I am being given, it's closer to days 10-14.  Regardless of which one is correct, we will be in Arizona when I lose my hair.  So I just want to be prepared as much as I can before we leave, before chemo starts. 
Yesterday I took another step in the path to baldness.  In the safety and comfort of an in home hair salon, with a dear friend sitting nearby, I got my hair cut.  The stylist called it seven inches.  I call it wig length.  Pantene calls it enough to donate.  Jill calls it cute.  Ella cried. I feel so much lighter and so much in control of how I respond to what is coming.  I'm ready for chemo and ready for bald.



I Am Drain Free!

Yesterday was a big day! It started out with Chemo class. Since I am such a big googler and reader, most of what I had heard was review. But I did learn some new things. When they say chemo causes hair loss, they mean chemo causes hair loss. That even mean nose hairs! I'm a little tickled by that one. And without those filtering nose hairs, my nose will run. So if you see me with Kleenex shoved up my nose, there will be no need to wonder why! We got a better feel for exactly when I can expect clumps of hair to start falling and I feel better knowing the when and being able to prepare for it. Healtheast Cancer Care, the clinic I will be going to, has so many resources available to help with the side effects and over all comfort while going through chemo. I'm especially looking forward to acupuncture.

I met with Dr. Kadkhodayan next. She is pleased with how I am healing and promptly took out the drains. I am drain free! So far, those drains have been the worst part of the journey. I'm slathering the drain holes with Neosporin and praying they close up before Monday. When I go in on Monday and Dr. Shanks feels I've healed enough as well, we will start chemo! Yay! Bummer. I'm not sure how I feel about that. The quicker we start, the sooner we finish. The quicker my hair falls out, the sooner it grows back. Before she left the exam room, Dr. Kadkhodayan made it a point to remind me to just live my life. Not to worry about the side effects, don't expect them or wait for them. Great advice. I'm informed and educated and prepared, but I'm also praying for no side effects! I'm not looking forward to starting chemo. I've been through enough. My family has been through enough. Chemo makes it so official. So public.

After that appointment we stopped for lunch at DQ. I love the toast that comes with the chicken tender basket. I don't eat chicken tenders at any other restaurant. Something about that toast screams comfort food. It's like courage in the form of carbohydrates. Just what I needed for our last stop of the day. A wig shop. Yes, I remember a month ago I said I would not wear a wig. But then I remembered that I have a precious six-year old daughter and that kids can be cruel. I don't want her to be "that kid with the bald mom." So, after three hours of trying on wigs and doing the math for exactly how long I'll need to wear a wig. We bought a wig. I wanted to go red, but opted for something more in line with my natural color. Jan, the owner of the wig shop is a breast cancer survivor. She understands how I can be completely fine with a bilateral mastectomy, but scared to death to lose my hair. She understands that I'm not scared for what people will think of me or the prolonged glances. It's the pity that's not wanted. The "aww, poor thing" is not wanted. I really like my hair, but it holds no part of my identity. I will be sad to see it go. I'm not worried though. My cousin, Laura, has been praying that I will have a pretty bald head. See, my friends and family have got my back!
Ella was brushing my hair and practicing her braiding last night. I have always loved having my hair played with. In college, going to Bible study was one of the highlights of my week, those girls liked to play with my hair! Ella had no idea what a gift that 20 minutes was to me! She knows that the little bald headed kids on the St. Jude hospital commercials have cancer, but we haven't told her yet that mommy has cancer. No mom should have to tell her child that. She knows that mommy is sick and the symbol for that sickness is a pink ribbon. After Easter we will fill her in and I'll let her play with my wig. She's smart and resilient and will handle it far better than I will. She's probably already put it all together, I did see her reading a breast cancer book the other night. She is Rick's daughter so I'm sure there will be a witty comment or two. Maybe she won't mind having a bald mom. Looking on the bright side, I won't have to shave my legs all summer! I'll save money on cut and color appointments and shampoo and conditioner. It won't take long to get ready in the morning. I'm starting to think that the good outweighs the bad. It might not be so bad after all!

Chemo: Ready or Not, Here I Go

Last Friday I spent much of the day at the hospital with the CT and the MUGA scans and running into issues with my horrible veins. We got the results today. The CT scan didn't show any signs of cancer lurking anywhere else. Praise The Lord! The MUGA scan showed that my heart is strong and healthy and ready for chemo. Thank you, Jesus.

Today I spent some time with my oncologist, Dr. Shanks. He answered some more questions, cleared up the lymph node pathology report and laid out my chemo treatment plan. Turns out 15 nodes were removed, two of them were sentinel and the other thirteen were axillary. Out of those 15, seven had cancer cells in them and the rest were clear. Because of the number of nodes that were positive for cancer, radiation will be also be required after chemo.

Dr. Shanks laid out a tentative chemo schedule. If the last two drains aren't able to come out on Wednesday like we are hoping, or the drain holes or incisions aren't healed as much as they would like, things could be pushed back a few weeks. During chemo, if I ever go in and my white blood cell count isn't high enough, that will push things back a week. But this is the general idea:

Chemo with Adriamycin and Cytoxan: Eight weeks, chemo every other week for a total of four treatments, with a Neulasta injection the day following each treatment
Chemo with Taxol and Herceptin: Once a week for twelve weeks.
Radiation: Five days a week for six weeks with Herceptin every third week

After Radiation I will continue with Herceptin every third week for roughly another 40 weeks. (No, that was not a typo.). The Herceptin targets the aggressive HER-2 marker on my cancer. Somewhere in there I will start Tamoxifen which is a hormone therapy. That targets the Estrogen Receptive marker. And somewhere in there, hopefully, we will switch out the current expanders for my semi-permanent silicone bionic breasts. Hopefully.

So that's what I'll be doing for the next year. What will you be doing? I can't imagine it will be more fun than what I'll be doing!

My newest prayer requests are for the drains to removed on Wednesday, the drain holes to heal quickly and the surgical sites to be healed well enough to start chemo on April 1. Not kidding!